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- Stay-Married Fitness - November 5, 2011
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The couple that lifts weights together, stays together!
My friends Scott and Cathy are breaking up. I guess I should have seen it coming. In recent years, they let themselves go until they were each about 25 pounds overweight. A few months ago, they both started walking for exercise, but never together. One would turn up at parties wearing stylish new clothes, while the other would stay home, ostensibly with a head cold, allergies, or work deadlines. Cathy asked me for weight watchers coupons and ediets discounts, and her subsequent weight loss was dramatic. She started wearing her makeup a little differently and got a cute new “˜do at the hair salon. Scott stopped drinking and joined a gym, and he quickly began to lose weight. When they announced a few months later that they were getting a divorce, I realized the signs had been there the whole time. I call this tendency to get in shape in preparation for returning to the dating scene “Break-Up Fitness.”
Get fit for your spouse
Unfortunately, people rarely make big changes for a long-term partner. Don’t relationship experts say that one of the signs that your spouse is having an affair is a sudden, formerly absent attentiveness to appearance? And yet you have to wonder, if wives and husbands took a few steps to become more attractive to their spouses, would it head divorce off at the pass?
Often, there are big problems in a marriage. Scott and Cathy had differences in the way they viewed money. In other words, she held down a job with a regular paycheck, while he was an entrepreneur who often suffered big losses. She scrimped and saved, while he owned three cars, including a Porsche that he had trouble paying for.
So, yes, there obviously were other serious issues that needed to be resolved. But it is also a known fact that small actions can produce dramatic effects. What if one or both of them had made the decision to look great for their partner before things started to deteriorate? Not just going out on the town great, but everyday great.
Lose weight to show you care
There are lots of innovative ideas out there for putting the romance back in your marriage, but you don’t have to wrap yourself in cellophane to show your mate you care. For women, splurge on some highlights in your hair. Buy a pair of hand weights and devise five-minute workouts you can fit into your day. For guys, deal with the beer gut, even if it means that you reduce your beer consumption. Fix her dinner once in a while. Go on a diet together–low-fat can still be tasty. Start some joint fitness routines, like riding bikes or taking walks. Remember that activity doesn’t have to be strenuous to begin melting away the pounds.
It seems pretty clear that the feeling of being taken for granted can start a couple down the long bumpy road that leads to divorce”¦and it’s also pretty clear that the reverse can be true: a feeling of mutual appreciation and respect can stop the deterioration that leads to a break-up. That’s what I call “Stay-Married Fitness.”
For successful marriage it’s always important to have good understanding about each-other’s feelings and emotions. You must find out how you to keep your married life balanced so that you can live together forever. You can’t put your wishes on priority list and ignore your partner’s. Few but good and important advice.
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Marriage involves two persons and both have to have understanding of each other for the marriage to be successful. in success and divorce of marriage both are usually responsible, as “it always take two to tango”.
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Yes I agree…..as a psychologist I see many people who have no idea what marriage requires. It takes a mature attitude of mutual resepct and reciprocal sharing.
Marriage is a partnership where both pull together to achieve their dream. Both must be able to listen to and respond to the other with love and respect, show thoughtfulness and a willingness to give, challenge and have a commitment to sorting out problems immediately. Turst and honesty go hand in hand. Any business partership needs these qualities to survive. Relationships don’t need mere survival….they must thrive!
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I couldn’t agree more about staying fit and attractive for your spouse. That doesn’t mean that you have to look like a beauty queen or Mr Universe but your partner deserves to walk out with somebody that they can be proud of – and that person is pretty much the person that they fell in love with. Aging may add a few pounds or a few wrinkles, but you should still make an effort. Walking together is also a great way to have some couple time free from TV, computers, phones and other distractions.
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I have to admit marriage isn’t easy. I’ve been married 8 years now and, as humbly as possible, I say “No matter how things seem, things can change anytime, so never take things for granted”
Now that I’ve got that out of the way, my wife and I love each other. We do our best to stay fit and I think it helps. We both know there are a lot of other attractive people out there, but being committed to each other by choice helps us to get through a lot and it seems we’re still attracted to each other.
Thankfully we are able to be honest with each other. If one of us doesn’t stay on top of ourselves, we’ve learned to be able to encourage each other to get back on track.
If your husband or wife starts to become unattractive to you because of habits or appearance, it can help to say something in the kindest way you can; “Baby I will always love you, but you need to go to the gym and start to act like you care if I’m attracted to you.”
Be ready to take whatever you dish out. It’s always good to be able to laugh at yourself and see yourself honestly. You know if you’re letting yourself go or not, right?
I hope this comment is taken with the lighthearted attitude I wrote it with.
To your marriage fitness.
Sye
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The part about walking together really resonated for me.
I believe that fitness is the ability to comfortably walk long distances. This basic human movement aids digestion and overall fitness. However I also strongly believe that going for a walk is a beautiful time for you to communicate with a loved one or spouse. The constantly changing surroundings create a moving tapestry that often spurns great conversations. It can be pretty easy to give up and think you have nothing left to say to your spouse, but sometimes your just stuck in the same old places.
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Right to the point. Partners can take advice from each other on what suits them in terms of clothing, makeup, shoes etc. They should try and impress their partners rather than trying to impress someone outside. I really feel bad and awkward when my friends ask my husband on how a particular dress looks…. they do it in front of their husbands. My policy is simple. If my hubby likes it, then its the best for me.
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This is something that singles as well as married people should stay up on
Twitter: troyp
Finding activities to do together is important. Than you can build fitness, while improving your relationship. We love walking and hiking together.
I recently wrote about working out and romantic SMS — just felt like a nice combo.
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I find that it’s easier to take care of yourself if your partner does. My husband and I both wake up at 5 in the morning and head to the gym together. It makes us feel united in our health and we look forward to everyday.
I can definitely see the break-up fitness part though. When you decide you want more out of life, and your relationship, it can be hard to go straight to the divorce – so working on yourself and making yourself feel as good as possible can be a great step towards getting the courage up to head out of the relationship and off on to your own!
Interesting article Penny, too many people get that ring on the finger and stop looking after themselves. Although life is busy its important to look after your appearance and health for yourself first then for your partner. If you are doing it to please others it will be short lived. Physical aspects aside, there are more underlining aspects in a marriage that need to be there such as open and honest communication, respect (which has to be earned not expected) and honor. Looking at my own divorce experience good looks can turn very ugly if the person is not a beautiful person inside.
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Sometimes, as we live in an everyday routine, we forget to love ourselves. One day we look in the mirror and don’t like what we see! How can we expect our husband or wife to find us attractive? The key, is to start changing habits for ourselves and then ask our partner to join us. In addition we can do sports together like tennis, swimming or extreme sports if it’s possible and that brings us closer.
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Physical attraction is important, but if you do not have the same long term goals no matter how slim and healthy you are, the physical attraction will last only that long.
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So you are saying If your partner wants to lose weight they are going to do a runner!!!! If they are problems in a relationship then going to the gym or not is not going to make the blind bit of differance
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As the days pass on, often we sometimes forget about the bigger problems and focus on what really bothers us. For the two spouses, it could’ve been the weight, or it could’ve been something way beyond. What ever the reason, they were not happy and had to cleanse it out their mind, but doing so the wrong way. Sad to say, it had to be a divorce.
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I’m pretty sure your friends marital problems had nothing to do with fitness, as opposed to a huge lack of proper communication and joint agreed goals in their lives.
Stay Married Fitness is much more than a token dinner making effort since it’s not a habitual mindset and lifestyle change. What that is is a bandaid, nothing more.
Healthy relationships involve core foundational qualities that include honesty, transparency, established and understood communication techniques and, the most important of all, trust.
Your friends sound like they were doomed as they failed in a lot of these areas.
One of the keys to long term happiness in marriage is to stay attractive on the inside, nevermind what you do on the outside. Fitness and appearance is important, but it is really what is inside that counts. How you truly feel about yourself on the inside will often dictate how you make yourself look to others, too.
Must say that working out with my wife is an awesome experience. I started doing home DVD workouts because I was tired of paying and going to the gym with little to no results. Once, I started doing the home workouts, my wife started joining me. It has been a great experience, and I have no desire to go back to the gym now. I initially started working out at home with the expectations that it would give me more time, and it does as well as time with my wife. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and I am a believer in a wife and husband spending time together doing things like working out because it does bring them closer together to do things together. Thanks again, David
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Yes, but if your relationship is just based on physical attraction I guarantee it won’t last. We need to connect our mind and soul too. Good article Penny
I do agree that ‘singles’ or wannabe singles will start paying more attention to their bodies, and looks in general. However, I feel that keeping your body in shape is essential not only to attract members of the opposite sex, but also to keep your own confidence levels high, and feeling good generally! Keeping fit is a LIFESTYLE, not only for a short period of time.
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The couple that works out together, stays together.
Definitly something to do with your spouse, it keeps the relationship stronger and help you both stay healthy.
Great post Poppy
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Penny,
Great article… It seems that in today’s society, it is just too easy to walk away from what it supposed to be a life time commitment.
There are so many little things we can do as couples to keep each other interested. Yes, life gets in the way, but why is it that we so committed to a job or a career, but can’t commit to the one we fell in love with.
With a little effort, you can do awesome things.
Thanks for sharing.
David
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My husband and I join a gym together. I choose to let him be my trainer. I encouraged him to become a body builder by letting him go to the gym everyday. I financially supports his healthy eating. for those whose marriage is falling apart, that is because spouse do not want to look healthy and fit for each other. We all want our spouse to look good and sexy because it turns us on. period.
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Unfortunately i’m still a bachalor but i’ll take the advice for the marriage life i’m gonna get through in my life.
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Staying fit on your own shows immense respect for one’s self and when a couple can maintain it together it translates as a respect for each other. Active and healthy living is the surest way to be as attractive to your partner as possible. Of course, I agree with some of the commenting, fitness is not the foundation a relationship is built on, but rather of a decorative nature. So important.
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Yeah being married presents its challenges to each spouse and it is not always easy to keep everything in balance and usually overtime we gain some weight & become out off shape.
I have been married for 21 years and gained close to 50 lbs over a 10 year period and I finally had the strength and will power to get into shape and start losing weight and it was nice to see my husband excited to see me returning to the thin attractive person that he once knew and then that inspired him to also start to eat healthier and walk with me he just lost about 10 lbs. So it is important to work on our health and keeping in shape for ourselves and each other.
This is probably the biggest problem for couples, keep yourself interesting for your partner, just like in the beginning. When you think your are ‘safe’ then it will go wrong.
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In some cultures it’s quite common that when 2 people get married, that the wife get’s fatter to show the world their husband is taking good care for her.
So it’s also a cultural issue of course…
But I don’t think anyone would like to get married to someone and seeing the other person just neglect him or herself.
You must keep working on your relationship, so staying attractive for the partner can be one part of the deal.
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Penny, this is a really great post. A couple of things that came to mind whilst reading…
First, I operate under the personal belief that any change you make in your life should be primarily for yourself and your own happiness. Happiness is contagious, and if you are content with who you are, what you do and the way you look, then your partner will value you that much more.
I agree 100% that “letting yourself go” is the beginning of the deterioration process for many relationships. I have witnessed it firsthand as an observer of my friends’ relationships and marriages. To me, watching someone let his- or herself go shows two things: 1) he or she has clearly lost part of his or her self-respect, and 2) he or she has grown complacent and begun taking the attraction aspect of the relationship for granted.
I also really appreciate that you point out in your article that there are many contributing factors to marital strife. In your mates’ case, financial conflict was a serious issue. I think it is always important to remember that physical attraction is but one aspect of a relationship: a significant aspect, but still one among a number of contributing factors to the happiness one receives from his or her relationship. I think if everyone were able to keep this in mind, then there would be much more harmony in the marriages and long-term relationships around the world.
Again, thank you for the post. It really resonated with me, and I’m looking forward to reading more from ya!
Cheers,
EVO
Twitter: @bestofshayari1
soon about to get married and i think these tips will keep me fit after 2 years i think when i….you know what i mean.
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I completely confer. Working out together not only helps build on or even rebuild a relationship in the time spent together, but the mutual respect you gain along the way is priceless. I love the extra tips on “duddyin” up for each other as well.
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Although people always argue that we should not be superficial, but I believe a good way to make a good marriage even better is to have both parties in the marriage to work out regularly to keep their skin looking clear and fresh and their bodies good looking! This way, there will at least always be some form of physical attraction
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I think once you are at the point where it has broken down there is usually no return – it changes the dynamics of the relationship and I’ve seen that too many times. Keeping fit is good for you personally and can be a good activity for you both to enjoy together so keeping things strong between you. I personally exercise to keep myself feeling good and upbeat. My wife does it only to be able to have a few drinks once in a while with no impact. I can’t say either of us enjoy it much, but it’s essential to a healthy outlook, and as summer is on it’s way we need to get our beach bodies up to scratch…
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Going on a diet together to lose weight for each other is a good way to keep both parties interested in the exercise and while watching the diet, a couple gets to talk about things that will strengthen their relationship. fixing the dieting meals together or individually on alternate days is a sure way to keep both parties interested, especially when you think that you are doing it for the person you love! walking or going to the gym together is also another sure way to maintain the sparkle in the relationship!