The only person that really matters
I’ve been married for about eight and a half years. I don’t know everything about marriage. Actually, the longer we’re together I find out how little I know. I find that over time the high, highs and low, lows can even themselves out. This can bring you back to a sort of homeostasis in the relationship. It gets boring, could be another way of saying it.
How do you keep that spark? How do you elevate the normal every day routine to a higher level of normal on your own personal happiness scale?
Become a drug dealer.
No, no not illegal drugs or even legal ones. I can’t believe that’s immediately what you thought! How about the natural occurring drug that your body produces. Oxytocin. This naturally occurring “love drug” happens when you are affectionate towards your significant other. It’s what you were originally addicted to when you first starting dating way back when.
In large amounts it can make your stomach flutter and etch a permanent smile on your face for days because someone special to you gave you a strong dose of it. I believe they called it “twitterpated” in the movie Bambi. Well, folks it’s real and you can have it back with your loved one.
A simple thirty second embrace can get it started. Try it. Really need to enjoy it and you’ll find that you’ll feel a little better at the end of those thirty seconds. It is essential that you still get that “in love” feeling. It’ll make the rest or your day so much better.
These two things
I believe there are two secrets to happiness in this world. I told my wife about them years ago and we both firmly agree that I’m on to something.
Marry the right person.
Without that person’s love and support day in and day out you miss a great opportunity to get your dose of oxytocin. But it’s more than that. Most people want to be loved. Be with the right person who will love and support you.
Choose the right job or career.
You’re going to spend upwards of eight hours a day there. You might as well enjoy it. The good thing is, if you’ve picked the right person to be with, they will help you with your job selection. And no matter what, they will support you unconditionally during your career. But always remember to put your loved one ahead of your career if push comes to shove.
Can it really be that simple? Yes, I think so. Pick the right spouse and pick the right job for you and your life. If the job isn’t right, get another one. Jobs will never hug you back and love you unconditionally. If you have the right spouse, your job will be a far second to them.
I wish you good luck in your search.
excellent tips
I have been dating my GF for about 4 years and can only imagine what it feels like to be married for 8 years – there must be an extremely large amount of emotions that you both feel everyday.
In all reality – I do think that those 2 tips serve as a solid foundation for a successful marriage
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Twitter: reitertweets
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Emotions run both ways, positive and negative. I’d say a majority are all positive though. We get in our ruts but are able to keep working through them.
Just because we have 8 years under our belt doesn’t guarantee many more though. We have to keep working at it on a daily basis.
-Matt
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Twitter: oims
says:
I’ve been married for 29 years OMG! And it’s definitely been a mixture of highs and lows and middle of the roads. Finding the perfect person – most important! Finding the right career (or even job) of course!
Being happy with yourself…. priceless
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Thanks for your comments and congratulations on 29 years. I can only imagine and hope to get to 29 years. I know we’re on the right path but know that nothing is guaranteed.
-Matt
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Hi Matt,
Great post and I absolutely agree. I’ve never been married but my grandmother just had a birthday (I wasn’t able to go) and in talking to her on the phone she said she and grandpa have been married 62 years.
62 years! I said. What’s your secret?
She said, We hug each other every day. It reminds us of why we got married to begin with. Especially when I feel like choking him to death.
I laughed, but maybe you and her have something with this whole hugging business.
Thanks for the post AND the advice!
Vince
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Vincent,
Your grandmother is a genius.
My grandparents were married for 68 years and it just boggles my mind. I joke that life sentences are shorter for criminals!
But they were happy right up until my grandfather passed away. My poor grandma misses his dearly.
-Matt
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Twitter: webduck
says:
My husband and I celebrated our 40th anniversary last Sept. Not every day has been perfect of course, and to make things difficult I have fibromyalgia. We’ve been through it all though. Raising a son, military service, weddings, deaths, etc. The good, the bad and the hilarious. We ebb and flow with our emotions, but at the end of the day we like each other most of the time.
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Carol,
40 years! Wow, what an achievement.
I can relate to the military service. I missed our first two anniversaries due to a military deployment. A few of my friends marriages didn’t make it too much past the long deployment. Military spouses have always had a really tough job.
I was able to make it home for the birth of our fist child, a mere 10 hours before her birth. What timing!
-Matt
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Twitter: margaret_river_
says:
Great post and two brilliant recommendations.
If I can add one. I recently visited my great cousin in law, sounds distant I know but:
She is 94 and I asked her what the secret to her youth and vitality was.
Her answer? TO laugh out loud every day.
She looks on life with a smile and this is reflected within all those around her.
I am just so happy with my wife, of 5 years in a few days
and thank her for all the support she brings. Like many areas in life as two I know we are individually stronger.
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Margaret,
Laughing is underrated. I see how much my kids laugh and love life and wonder why I don’t laugh as much. So I try. But looking around the office these days, not too many people are happy or even smile. So I smile just to break up the monotony a little bit.
-Matt
reiter331´s recent blog post ..How to offend your customers
Twitter: TechChunks
says:
Great advice there – yes it is so important to marry the right person and to be in the right job. Failing to do either of these can guarantee you a life-long misery/unhappiness!
Great article indeed!
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Tech,
Thanks! The person that you spend the most time with and the place where you spend the most time need to be in sync to some extent. Those two things are where/who you spend 90% of your time.
-Matt
reiter331´s recent blog post ..How to offend your customers
This is super advice and really interesting also. I did not know there was actually a release of Oxytocin when you are in love. I would definatly agree that choosing the right job is also important, no matter how much you love someone if you are stressed for 8 hours a day then you will be unhappy no matter.
Twitter: reitertweets
says:
Exactly. You spend most of your day between the two.
reiter331´s recent blog post ..How to offend your customers
Twitter: LBDDiaries
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Great article! It goes along with what a fellow blogger and I did last year – we issued a challenge to others to create 30 Days of Intimacy in their relationships. It was interesting the people who “didn’t have time” for this (makes you wonder about the true state of their relationship). It also surprised all of us with the changes in attitude that developed because of the Challenge. Hubby had it toughest because he has to factor in the day job along with working the challenge but in the end? I think he had a great time (smile). We’re going to issue the challenge again this year. I really liked this post of yours.
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I bet those were a great 30 days.
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Twitter: toprunningtips
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Hi Matt,
This is a great post – left me with a warm fuzzy feeling! My husband and I have been married for 3 years this year. We got married late by normal standards – we wanted to be sure we married right. Your point about marrying the right person is so spot on, I can’t imagine going through life with all its ups and downs being married to the wrong person.
Thanks for the advice AND the reminder!
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Gabi,
Enjoy! Glad this gave you some “warm and fuzzy” thoughts. Happiness reminders are good from time to time.
Matt
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Twitter: rakesh_narang
says:
Um… you can;t tell about both until you try them out while you can jump out of a job anytime jumping out of a marriage in not simple.
the true happiness comes when you are focused on achieving something worthwhile the rest is just myth… (moh-maya) as they say in sanskrit.
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Having a a purpose to your life helps with both for sure.
-Matt
reiter331´s recent blog post ..How to offend your customers
Well, I’ve chosen the right career for myself (web developer), but I haven’t done the first bit – marry the right person! Still, although I’m single, I’m happy most of the time. I’m still surrounded by people I love, such as my family and best friends.
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Victoria,
One doesn’t always have to be married or in a commited relationship to be happy. Thanks for your point of view.
-Matt
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you are right marrying the right person will make surly happiness because he/she will understand you and the co-operation always will be existed and he will support you in your bad time and this is the most important point in my opinion.
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My wife has recently proven your point. I’m so lucky to have her.
-Matt
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Twitter: GIJoh_com
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Glad to have read this post – I might say congratulations for having found the right person for you! My husband and I have been married for about 3 years now and still going strong, and I might say we love to be with each other. We also love our jobs and I guess your post about it are really secrets to happiness. There are times life is hard, but with someone you can pour your heart out when you’re sad or anxious, life does get a little bit better.
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No one said it’s going to be easy. Having a supporting partner helps when the going gets tough!
-Matt
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I’ve been married to the same man for 20 years now. When I took my vows it was forever. Sometimes it’s been difficult, don’t get me wrong. What has helped us (me) make it through is when there’s something I really don’t like and I get fed up with all the bad things I stop and remember all the good things. The good does outweigh the bad and we deal with the rest!
As for a good job/career, I am currently working at home doing what I love to do, which is help others.
I guess this means I’m happy!
Tammy
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Tammy,
I joke with my wife that I will love her more each day. So I explained that I just barely liked her way back on our wedding day. Over the last several years, she agrees that we are even more in love now.
I love being right, even if it is only once in a decade.
-Matt
reiter331´s recent blog post ..How to predict future success
Interesting post and really good piece of advice. Your point about marrying the right person is really correct. I definitely cannot imagine going through the ups and downs in life being married to the incorrect person. Keep up the good work!
Twitter: reitertweets
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Alex,
You keep up the good work too. Sounds like you picked the right person as well.
-Matt
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I’ve been married for 33 years….happily. You are right about the importance of being affectionate. If you build your spouse up with affection and positive comments way more frequently than you argue or put him or her down, you are on the right track. Both of you will be happier!
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Having your perspective helps me feel better about my own position. I feel like we’re on the right track and I know we’ll both keep working to stay on course.
-Matt
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Wow it was great reading your post. Apart fromt the above it is also essential that the partners focus more on positive emotions such as compassion instead of anger.
And they should invest in experiences and not on materialistic things. It feels good when you buy new things for a week or so but not too long. But good experiences such as sharing & caring lasts forever in our life
Twitter: reitertweets
says:
Enjoy the positive moments and move on from the negative. My wife and I both agree we love being married to each other even through the tough times that are few and far between.
Matt
Matt´s recent blog post ..Who are you competing against Part 2 of 2
Well, I absolutely agree with the statement that it is really important for happiness to have a job that you like and to marry a person you really love. In fact, these are the most important factors which have a great impact on the personal mood. If you have no problems with your husband/wife and you go to work with pleasure – it’s a real happiness. Besides, I think that it’s also outstanding to be healthy and when your friends, relatives or some other close people have no problems with their helth. Moreover, financial stability is another important factor determining the personal mood and happiness.
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Don’t even get me started on the money aspect! I can talk for days about money issues. Maybe that will be my next post. I also believe that proper money management is essential to a happy marriage. Debt free is the way to go!
Matt
Matt´s recent blog post ..Who are you competing against Part 2 of 2
What you say is true – but I can’t help but think that the devil is in the detail – how to actualy get to those two points?
What if you can’t find the right person or the right career? Is there a PLAN B?
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Thank you so much for the note. I know that not everyone gets married or finds that special someone. Here’s my suggestion for them.
You have to really and truly love yourself and your immediate family and friends. Those that are closest to you will be the ones who provide you with the love that you need.
Maybe you pour your heart into a charity or a cause.
Maybe you delve deeper into your work.
Just know that you need to love yourself and the path that you are on. Find joy in the everyday parts that make up your life. I also suggest stealing hugs from your loved ones. It’s always nice to give and receive a hug.
-Matt
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Twitter: PureFX
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Great advice! In fact this is something I stumbled on about a month ago, and it led to the most satisfying relationship of my life. Trouble is it takes a lot of work, and when you’re tired that can be hard to maintain!
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It always takes work! Never, ever stop working. Good luck!
-Matt
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Twitter: HealthyLife_uk
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I have been married for twenty years. There have been many ups and quite a few downs. I would like to get my hands on some Oxytocin, with the world wide web being so extensive can you point me in the right direction, or do i have to keep practicising my men are from mars …
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Sorry ,no short cut to get your dose of the “O”.
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Marrying the right person is not that difficult, it just takes time and a bit of luck.
On the other hand, getting the job you want… i hear people all the time around me complaining about their jobs. Why don’t they get another one? Well, maybe they don’t know how to do what they like, maybe they passed the opportunity. If you’re 35 and want to be a lawyer but you’re actually a carpenter, your chances are slim. What if you’re a lawyer and you want to be a carpenter? You won’t be able to take the change in salary.
We all want to do what we like, but greed gets the better of us.
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Maria,
You touched on the bulk of my blogs.
While I disagree that finding the right person to marry is easy (see all the divorces out there), I also disagree that you can’t change your career path to follow your dream.
Click on “mistakes” on this web page and read my other blog post or visit my daily blog. I think you’ll see what I’m talking about.
COL Sanders didn’t fry his first piece of chicken until he was in his 60′s.
I’d love to hear more from you. Come on over and visit.
-Matt
Matt´s recent blog post ..Where can I find the Rules for my Life
I’ll definitely try and read those articles once i find them.
Every rule has an exception, Matt.
Sanders is that exception. While having a goal is healthy, you have to admit most people don’t have what it takes to make those changes in their lives.
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Twitter: haydenwest88
says:
I TOTALLY agree with you! I would have to say that the majority of ALL STRESS in life comes from hating your job or not being with the right person…and its really odd too…you would think that if someone hated their job or didn’t love the person they were with would actually take a stand and change something…but they usually don’t =/ Thanks for the awesome post!!!
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Twitter: reitertweets
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Most just sit and wallow. How sad.
Matt
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Twitter: junevaa
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It is always right person before we “merry” and choose the right job seems too far to reach.. but Congrat to every body who got it..
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Twitter: howtoanything
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It is so true that relationships and work are major areas in life that we do not find ourselves fully prepared for. We are not taught that the dchoices we make in these areas of life will have a lasting impact on our quality of life and sense of personal wellbeing.
my niche is wellbeing and wellness….finding balance means making choices in the direction of our goals, making new choices, choices which serve our goals and redefine our futures!
Reduce stress and feed your life!
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Twitter: claire_0917
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Great post! I learned about oxytocin from John Grey, author of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Little things like giving flowers can work too
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Twitter: reitertweets
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Bottom line, treat your significant other well and you should get that back.
Matt
Matt´s recent blog post ..Make every chance for a connection count
Oxytocin! Need more of that!!!
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Twitter: howtoanything
says:
YES!
So true…
As a Psychologist….. I can say that ….
Compassion and empathy = Oxytocin
If this could be taught to our children, friends, workmates etc…..what a wonderful world this could be!
Feed Your Life!
michelle´s recent blog post ..Quality defined
I’ve been married 9 years and every time I am about to feel bored about our relationship, I go back in time when I fought for our love against her whole clan. It was not easy but she was worth fighting for and I did win. Now I am the most noble person on the eyes of my in-laws.
I guess the best thing to do to flare up the love is to keep on courting each other.
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Interesting article and I agree that it’s very important to marry the right person and to choose right job, but … I sure the feelings of happiness inside of person. And if you want and able to be happy you’ll be happy even unmarried and without job and opposite …
Every day we have both negative and positve feelings and it is hard do filter and catch up the right feelings but when you really can do that then the negative feelings just goes away.
I have been married now for about 10 years and I completely agree with you. I think affection is so important and just a little touch here and there just reminds us that our spouse loves us. I think over time we tend to take our partners for granted and just the simple act of hugging someone is very powerful.
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Twitter: howtoanything
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I agree with you about the balance of negative and positive emotions…
positve psychologists encourage us to remain aware of the ratio of our positve / negative emotions and to focus on what is going well for us and on what we want ( not what we DON’T want ).
These strategies help to maintain a healthy balance between our emotions, and shifts the relationship with ourselves and what is happening around us into a more helpful / hopeful way of seeing or experience.
It is helpful because rather than use up energy on trying to change what is happening around us, we are able to place our attention on the things that make us feel good.
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I have been married for 8 years. In the past couple years, I felt we definitely lost the love and passion that we had for each other. But with an attempt to make it better, we were rescued. And all we have to do is show some affection towards each other. We kinda neglected that. So I really agree that a little affection and a hug everyday…will do your love good!!!
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“If you have the right spouse, your job will be a far second to them.”
To be completely honest, I have to say that this might be the mantra of my life You have to have great partner with you in order to be happy in life. Show your love to the most precious wife in your life.
All the best, Jane
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I have been married for more than 10 years now…11 to be exact…and these past 2 years have been really difficult…but we struggled to hold our ground…believing in “US”…in “WE”…me, him and our 3 kids…”TOGETHER”…that we can make things happen…and we are….
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